Thanks everyone for the support. This place is a blessing to me!

I'm feeling incredibly down today. It feels like t is pulling the plug. The relationship she built with child parts is now swirling down the drain. And there's nothing i can do to stop it. It had to happen sometime. I knew in my heart this day was coming. That's why i fought so hard and so long not to let vulnerable parts of myself get attached to her.

It's not my t's fault. She was hoping if she gave me enough comfort and support, I would learn how to do it for myself. But it felt so good and so needed, like cool water in the desert, something i'd never had before. I didn't want to give it up. Child parts did not want to give her up. But therapy, and the therapy relationship, was never meant to be forever.

I wanted to share with you the email I sent to my t this morning.

R,

Yes, if we stop trauma work, parts will feel more abandoned. But they already feel abandoned.

The adult me understands that you have good intentions, and you want me to be strong and able to help myself. But parts feel like they have been tricked. You spent so much time to gain the trust of those parts and form a relationship with them. And now you are backing out. This has really hurt them and they don’t understand why. You always said you weren’t like everybody else who left them.

We have been at this place before, where you started withdrawing your support, and the trauma work became overwhelmingly painful. At those times, I told you how I feel, and you agreed to increase your support again. This time, I am not asking you to increase your support for child parts. If you think this is what I need, then I trust you to know. We’ve been working together for a long time.

My reason for stopping trauma work is because there are just some issues/fears that parts can’t cope with alone. Getting in touch with my fear of D dying took me to a dark desolate place where sui began to seem like an option. That’s a dangerous place for me to be, and to try to deal with alone. I realize now that there are some issues I may never be able to deal with by myself. Yet you can’t support me forever. I understand this. So I am closing the door on trauma work.

Doing the DBT book instead will be for the best, though I suspect our relationship will feel much more superficial. Still, this will allow you to continue working with the adult side of me, and hopefully that will make me stronger. It will also force child parts to get used to being without your support. Eventually, they will stop crying and learn that you can’t be their mommy, and they can’t continue looking to you to help them with their pain and attachment needs.

All of this is extremely painful for me, I don’t want to talk about it. I think I understand what you are trying to do, and know it is coming from a place of caring.

T