Woke up this morning to the phone ringing. I didn't race to get up and answer it. I knew that if I did I would get P.O.'d because I wouldn't be able to find it before it stopped ringing. (I use a wheelchiair, so getting out of bed is slightly more complicated than normal). I did get up, though, to find out who it was. Maybe a friend needed something, otherwise, why would the call? It's my cell phone. You aren't supposed to get sales calls on your cell. Especially not be for 9:00 A.M.!!!!

Phone's not where I thought it was. My wife goes to help me find it and while she is looking, I find it.
"Oh, I'll get it for you". She says.
I don't say anything because now I'm really pissed off. She will use this as an excuse to check my phone. Not that there is anything to hide, but have a little respect. Good Lord! Sure enough, instead of handing me the phone, she looks to see who it was.
"You have a message." She tells me.
"It wasn't them". I didn't hear it beep to tell me otherwise, but that's just not good enough. I know what they are. They are a couple of mundane messages that I forgot to erase before I hung up. Again, nothing to be ashamed of, but still, she will insist on checking, which is just what she does. It's my f'n phone!

I go sort mail and paper work into two piles: one is a trash pile, the other is papers to put away somewhere. She has to check on my trash pile. I feel like a child who always needs checking on. I'm mentally ill, not stupid!

On top of that, I am going on a trip tomorrow and I am stressed because I HATE HATE HATE riding in the car. I could drive and I am a great driver, but my wife acts like something horrible is about to happen and I react. One day I pulled the car over after a major panic attack brought on by her bull s**t. I haven't driven with her in the car since, excI understand and sympathise with her fear, but I know that she can't be doing that when she rides with her friends. Even stranger, She reassures me that I am a great driver. Not good. Great. I drive in situations that scare her, like cities, snow, fog and situations like that.

It's not her. That's the odd thing. I'm just tense and nervous. I also feel angry. My responses right now are too extreme. It's like I am taking the anger from having been rudely wakened out on her. As if I can't find the source of my frustration, so I direct it at her. I hate myself for that. I just hate myself.

Sorry for rambling so long. I'm just scared that I'm getting manic because that means I will also be depressed soon and I can't go there because it ends in depression. Last time it ended with a suicide attempt, a 51/50, another 51/50 (which I volunteered for), followed by a 52/50. That was last month.