My t says I am in crisis. But what does that really mean?

All I want is to hurt myself and every time I feel like that I remember it's a borderline behavior and I don't want to be that but at the end of the day I am that because it's what I keep circling back to and part of me wants to stop fighting it and just do it. I'm tired of crying tired of pretending seeing Andy or hearing his voice or walking by him doesn't bother me because it does and it's what's fueling my reckless desire to flee at any cost bc any cost is better and more worth the cost I pay to remain here. I feel stifled and suffocated and hopeless and I can't take this anymore I can't even stop crying with Shae and the afternoon has become a game of "hide the tears from Shea" and clock watching so I know how long until I can reach something to hurt myself with.

I can't take this anymore.