Shezbut,

Yes, I would definitely say that I have lots of additional stressors in my life at the current moment. I can definitely list my current stressors, but as for the majority of this past year, I can't think of any. I have not been able to work with a T this past year, but my dad and I are currently trying to find a decent one that I can go to because I realize that I need to see one. I have been on many SSRIs since the age of 14 to help with my anxiety, depression, and panic episodes. These SSRIs include Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Citalopram (which I am currently on). I've also been prescribed Abilify which worked extremely well for me because of my rapid mood cycling, but since I'm diabetic I had to get off of it because it made my blood sugars run extremely high. I've also been on both Xanax and Clonapine for when my anxiety gets way out of control or I feel panicky. Besides currently being prescribed Clonazepam, I'm also prescribed Adderall 20mg 3 times per day so that I can focus on the needs at hand. Adderall actually helps my depression and makes me actually feel like doing stuff. Otherwise I feel like I would not ever get out of bed on most days. Now that I think about it, I feel like maybe I should be put back on Abilify or something like it that won't run my blood sugars high because my moods were much more stable when on Abilify and I didn't constantly feel like hurting people emotionally or physically. I have some speculations as to what might be lying underneath my anger, but I'm not sure if they are definitely what are causing it because I've been extremely difficult to be around and have been angry my whole life. I was often hit and knocked on the ground by my dad as a child and my mom just stood there like the b***h she is and never stood up for me. I saw what my dad doing as a way to be physically hurtful back, but I would sometimes get extremely scared of him because he would run after me and even when I locked my bedroom door, he would ask me to unlock it or else I would get beaten even worse. My mom and I finally moved out of his house when I was 16, but I turned to her and started being physically abusive to her. I now realize that I was acting just like my dad. I didn't want to be punished in any way and even if she took stuff away from me as punishment, I would only get meaner. Eventually, we became very close, almost like friends, but just recently, she's been extremely delusional and keeps asking for me and my fiance to pay her back for things that she said she would take care of. Today, I have a much closer relationship with my dad than my mom. He and I deal with the same stuff emotionally and I relate to him a lot. I have forgiven him and I love him very much. I still spend time with my mom, but find it very hard because she always will end up talking about money or start complaining and belittling people around her. Other than that, I really can't think about anything else that might be causing my anger and depression. It just cycles so much during the day that I can't keep track. I try to come up with things to work towards, but when my anger comes out and I start feeling like everyone is beneath me and that they live for me I don't care so I can't do anything about it. I hate it because I feel like I'm completely opposite than who I really am when this happens and it happens a lot. I finally got a job and I start next week so at least I'll be able to get out of the apartment and do something and earn money.