My episode: In 2012 (Aug) I had a 'Psychotic episode'. A few days before my father told me I should leave the house in a few years and live with someone else. (I'm only 13) One of my closets friends said we should stop talking. I stayed up for two days straight. Then on the third day I felt completely different, like something switched in my head. I believed that I was free because I had lost it all. Now I was free to do what I pleased. I felt energized, arrogant, prideful, I laughed inappropriately. I admit I felt insane. I decided to set a fire in my house. I first was pacing my room while I talked to one of my friends (which is now my girlfriend) and she expressed so many loving thoughts for me as I acted out this way, what I was telling her I was going to do. I also looked in the mirror in my eyes, I thought they had turned red -- that they were demon eyes. I applied make up, made myself look as best I could, dressed in black and set the fire on paper down stairs. I left a not on the door of suicide, I had no intention of harming myself. I wanted to feel more adrenaline through my body. I also wanted to be with a young man which is in my imagination (hallucinations), he agreed (NOT suggested) that I should set the fire.

I was found a mile and a half away from my house with sizers and a bottle of pills. I was admitted to the hospital for eleven days. I am now diagnosed with Psychotic depression with a possibility of bipolar disorder.

I don't believe I've told them the full story. I have made up in my head this whole world of fantasy and different beings, and I know I belong there. You may think I know it's fantasy, but right now, to me its real. I'm only explaining in what non-delusion/hallucination people see it as. I also made up a new appearance, name, family, etc, etc for myself. I see that as the real me.

Then I'm also very manipulative. I see people as game pieces and nothing more, they are toys in my world. I want to be able to have fun in this world if I can't live in mine. So I manipulate and lie to have 'fun' that I crave. I always see myself dressing in an inappropriate matter and getting involved with the wrong people for fun. But I ALSO see myself living a double life, having good grade, etc, etc. Its part of the game. I picture this as my teenage years. Then as an adult I see myself being part of a con game, even more reserved, successful. At 13 these images play in my head all day long to keep me going. If I don't have this sort of plan I will ONLY long for that different world I believe is true in my head.

I have a horrible time trying to feel things for other people, have good relationships, and know who I am. I often struggle trying to stay the same and have the same goals just to feel okay. I often don't know who I am, and so I usually try to work on that all the time. I can also feel something for someone, but only logically, I won't feel sorry for them. In my relationships I just can't keep up with them at all.