Des, you need to stop putting yourself down because bad things happen to you. Most of us here have had times when it just felt like everything was going wrong, and there was no one who could or would help us, and we felt stuck. I get how you feel like it's your fault sometimes, or all this happens because you're a loser, but that's just because you're conditioned to respond to these kinds of things like that. I know, because I do it, too. But neither of us is responsible for everything that goes wrong in our lives, and yes, we've made mistakes--everyone has--but we deserve better, and you have to remember that.