Hi everyone

I should probably first state that I haven't been officially diagnosed with BPD. But, after reading, learning and researching for about a year now I do think that I am part of this community. But, none-the-less, I'm still struggling to figure out if I "fit in" or not. (I could explain more, but the post would be faaarrrrrr to lengthy.)

I guess I am here looking for support. I feel like there is no one around me that I can talk to about my issues honestly. I feel if I tell my friends too many details they will want to send me away and if I try to tell my parents about it they will just ignore it, brush it off as nothing... just a phase. I also don't want to feel like a burden to any of them, so I just try to keep to myself.

I've been to several different therapists over the past few years, but nothing ever helps. I find myself conforming and lying so I can fit what they want me to be... I want them to feel like they are doing something good and genuinely helping me. Even though its all a front.

As of right now, I'm honestly not in a place to go back to seeing a therapist because I've recently realized that my symptoms are for more obvious than even I realized (I thought I was good at hiding things... turns out I'm not). My therapists knew about my erratic emotions, my self-harming and eating disorder, feelings of no identity, of worthlessness, etc. And they never said a single word... and all of this was even before I knew BPD existed. So, I'm feeling angry and distrustful. Why couldn't they just say, 'Well, this could be part of what is occurring...' instead of leaving me out to dry, feeling lost and confused. Feeling like I was going insane but no one believed me. Why couldn't they just be honest and upfront with me?

I guess that is one of my problems. I feel like I belong here, but there is no one to validate my feelings on it. If there is no validation, I begin to question whether or not this is correct, or right. If this isn't right, and I don't fit under BPD or anything else, then what the heck is wrong with me? If what I'm going through is nothing or "normal", I'm not sure I can handle a lifetime of this. One moment I'm on top of the world, and the next I'm buried under 50 tons of mental misery. And it friggin' sucks.

Ugh, well. I guess my mini-rant is over for now. Sorry aboot that.

So, Hello BPD forum! I'm glad you exist

Until next time!