So told T today after our emailing back & forth this week, that everything is now quite for me. I said I feel like I was crying &crying and then I got picked up. I feel satisfied now.
T said that's what you couldn't do as a young baby. Allow yourself to cry. I said I think as a young child I use to sort of try & get satisfied, but it never happened. Then I realised that T has done for me something my step mother never did because I sure never have feld that warm content feeling before.

T asked what happened when I tried to get picked up/held/satisfied? I had to think about it then said, she would get angry. T nodded yes. I then said I don't know why I'm here saying all these things because it wasn't that bad. T got serious and said "you know, from what we know here and how you are with other people that is how someone who has suffered serious emotional neglect & abuse.

Well that took the wind out of my sails, it made me remember the love I wanted so bad but had to keep locked up with a giant padlock. I told T this and said I don't really want to think about it because the wanting to be loved feeling is so big I wouldn't be able to handle it. T was nodding all the time I was talking. She knows how all this makes someone feels but waits for them to speak it themselves.

But getting satisfied by T's responding to my cries is a good feeling to reflect on. You can't fake this stuff. That's for sure.