Hi there,

First off I apologize in advance since this will most likely be very long and extremely disorganized. This is more of a rant about my life and a plea for help, so I would really appreciate if you can offer any advice.

My life is one big vicious cycle of depression. I had a video game addiction in high school because all my attempts of making a life for myself in HS were in vain. I never had any "real" friends that stuck with me over a long period of time. I met my first real friends who I would see often my senior summer and it only lasted for that long. That's when I came out of my shell at least.

I was blessed by being born into a middle class family where my college is being fully paid by my parents. Unfortunately for me, I chose the worst possible college for myself. Extremely small, many religious bigots and stuck up rich people, nothing to do around campus or around town, the list goes on.

I thought I met the love of my life last year, because she was everything I wanted and more and she thought of me the same, but I was fooling myself. She rarely did anything for me (being that she was a little immature, she was 16 and couldn't drive, I was 18 and in college across the country almost always). Our relationship worked well until the beginning of this year. I was the best boyfriend to her, loving, supporting, loyal, I would never stop to show her how much I cared for her. I did everything right, the dream guy who treats his girl like a princess right? Yea I guess not every girl wants that. A lot of times she told me she didn't even know what she wanted. Maybe because of my personality, and due to my past/present, I was very clingy at times when she didn't want to see me or wasn't being herself around me, so much that it all fell apart when we left for college. She made a lot of promises she couldn't keep, a lot of empty words and emotions, and this all still hurts me sometimes I can't take it. This was almost a month ago. I don't blame her for being that way, in fact I understand her completely. I used to think (and maybe still think) that I just need to find the one girl right now and commit to her to be happy for the rest of my life, and that pushes them away. But the way she handled everything was really immature (in fact she is TOO immature) so we're not talking.

So here I am, in a college that I hate across the country from my family and whatever friends I have left at home that I'm probably slowly losing because we never talk. I don't get along with the people here. Over my years I've been here (I'm a junior) my grades have suffered tremendously due to my pathetic and miserable state. I've been on academic probation twice. I couldn't go abroad which was my dream because my grades were too low. And I'm stuck here. I can't transfer because I'm below the required gpa. I took a semester off in the spring and went to community college and got all A's, but what does that prove? My parents keep telling me I need to graduate, as there is no future for someone without a degree. And I believe them. But I'm so miserable here. I haven't gone to class ever in most of my classes, I just sleep the day away or watch anime because I'm so depressed. I'm always so tired, and I watch anime a lot because, not only are the shows so entertaining, the Japanese value friendship so highly, so it feels good to long to be a part of that society (feeling a part of the anime) and find good friends and a girl of my own.

Do you understand the cycle? Because I'm so miserable, I'm too depressed and lazy to go to class, which I do poorly and it traps me here. I'm scared that I'm going to fail out, then I've wasted maybe $50k of my parent's money, made a pathetic excuse for myself, and sealed my fate for a miserable future. I want to go out and make friends, but I've tried so many times before and I know the people here too well that I just can't try anymore. Clubs are pointless here, and forget trying to connect with people. For heavens sake I am not even motivated to keep myself in shape anymore, and I definitely am gaining weight and hate this.

All in all, I feel like a disappointment to my parents, undeserving of a true friend or a girl that really loves me. Friends don't seem to want to keep me around, and after a while every girl I talk to loses interest, and girls don't want someone who needs them to be happy. I'm going insane, all I do half of the time is lay in bed in this completely white room. I have been suicidal in the past, so sometimes I even wonder why I am living for. I do know that I am afraid to kill myself, so I could never pull it off (maybe if I fail out of school). But I really don't know why I'm putting myself through this torture, for a chance at a better future? Sometimes I just wish I could sleep all the time, I enjoy the peace and comfort more than being awake. I guess the only reason I'm doing this because I still have one goal I still believe is worth living for. I've always wanted to live abroad, and as soon as I graduate, I want to move to some distant foreign country like England, France, Australia, or Japan. I'm really good with language, and fascinated by cultures, but I had to pick a practical major to get me a career, so I'm toughing out majoring econ at the moment. I've lived abroad before, I know it's my dream and its possibly the only thing that is getting me by now. But nothing is certain... and I may be in an even worse position financially there, so I don't know.

I don't know what to do anymore. My parents know about my issues, but currently they don't understand the present gravity of the situation. And I hate talking to them about this because I can see the fear and despair in their eyes and hear it in their voices. I never want to cause so much trouble for anyone, so I can't say that I don't think about killing myself, I just know I could never pull myself to do it, because I'm also a coward that runs from my problems. FYI I am on medication, but I guess it isn't working anymore.

So there it is in an extremely abridged version. I'm not sure why I even wrote this out, maybe I just needed to vent. I'm not really sure what kind of help I can get here, but I would really appreciate to hear your thoughts about what I can do.

I know I'm my worst enemy, and I prevent myself from accomplishing anything, but I know from experience, when I'm having a really up phase in my life, either because of fun with friends and love with a girlfriend, all my pain, and doubt gets washed away and replaced with joy and living. So I know for a fact that friends/girlfriend=happy life for me, because I'm definitely not happy just with myself. I'm such a mess, I really don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading at least. Have a nice day.