It sounds like you are trying your very best to try and hold things together, and yet they are kind of falling apart. I know you say meds are not likely an option or havent worked for you in the past. Has anything worked to help you when you are in this space? Therapy? I know for me the only two things that helped were meds and therapy. I also learned to open up in real life about my depression and anxiety, but I couldn't have done that without the therapy (and probably the meds). As i said, we are all different and different things work for different people... But that is what has worked for me. I hope you are able to start working through these issues, and that you also keep posting here!