I'm a truck driver so basically I can't take benadryl or use mouthwash with alcohol and work. I want normal relationships but I don't think I have the courage to try again. I've failed again and again, leaving my innocent boys to share in the aftermath of my mistakes. My oldest is reaching the age where it hurts him to see the things around him. He sees me when I can get home and then watches his father drink himself to death everyday. I haven't seen my 3 year old since he was 3 months old, when I left his dad he took off to another state and claimed I abandoned them. I've never had a healthy relationship with a man, nor my own family. My mother left when I was small my dad is very demanding and distant. My sister and brother come to me when they need money or someone to rescue them. No one has ever offered me a hand, I've been on my own since I was 15 nowhere to turn for support or advice. No good examples of how people are supposed to interact. So I keep going around in circles, taking whatever is offered by way of attention only to regret it later. Making my life unlivable to make others lives easier.