Well that makes some sense now. That is a lot to overcome, and there is a lot of pain there. I do always believe that healing is possible, and that there are people out there who can help. I know it is hard with the job you have, but I would encourage you to try something in real life to try and begin taking care of yourself. There are support groups that run on weekends, therapists who work on weekends... I'm not trying to push you into something you don't want, but I go back to your origianal question of why you can't stop hating yourself. I think the way to answer and change that is to seek out some help and begin putting yourself first. I hope with whatever path you choose to take that you will keep posting here! I'm glad you are here and appreciate your posting about yourself, I know that is hard to do.