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Old Sep 28, 2012, 11:09 PM
Anonymous32716
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TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUI:

Since the middle of August, I've been back to seeing T weekly. We had some leftover things to work through from this winter, and it felt like we were connected and the trust was there and the love was there and it was good. I LET MY GUARD DOWN, I was vulnerable and trusting and honest and hopeful.

And then last week, he said something so out of the blue, that bascially told me that there is still someone in there lying about me AND THAT HE IS STILL BELIEVING THIS PERSON.

I literally, LITERALLY thought I was going to kill myself. I had to talk myself out of it again and again. T suggested THE HOSPITAL.

I can't believe I let my guard down again and this happened AGAIN. After all of these years of building trust and telling my story.

I know there are so many child-triggers involved...just being blindsided out of nowhere over and over again, being "good" but still having bad things happen, being powerless to make the bad things stop.

Since then, T said he has finally realized "the truth". He has apologized. He says it's really over now, that things have changed and that he's grounded in what's true and that he won't not believe me again.

Part of me wants to work through it with him...because if it was successful, I guess it would be healing, and we have so much history and it would be sad to just walk away now.

But part of me knows he's said this before...it's over now! things have changed!...and I've let my guard down and it WASN'T over.

I don't even know if T is capable of working through this with me. I feel absolutely alone and lost and confused.

Therapy has made my life suck so much this year.

I know i haven't been around much, because I'm just at a loss for words. I cant blog, I just want to hide in my room. I don't feel safe ANYWHERE. Nowhere.

So, if there aren't many responses I totally understand. I just needed to say this somewhere.
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