I wrote her this in response (I didn't mean to send it, I was just writing it to save but it was on my ipod and I accidentally hit the send button.)

Letter:
I provoke you all the the time, on purpose. But the only time you react is when I'm not intentionally provoking you. So what's the point of trying to provoke you? The ones I stumble into accidentally are the only ones that bother you anyway.

I liked it better before when I could imagine trusting you and it didn't seem as unlikely as pigs flying. But now imagining trusting you is something impossible and cold and awkward and it will never happen.

I don't know why. But I feel strongly the need to keep you away. To make you hate me.

You said before that our relationship/ the attachment -was- the thing we needed to work on in therapy, the most important thing. But on Wednesday you said it didn't matter if I liked you, it isn't necessary to conduct therapy and have it work.

I've had a lot of therapists I didn't particularly care for, and none of them ever helped me. We were just going through the motions.

I don't see the point of being afraid/suspicious of you and your motives and just going through the motions. Might as well quit.

It feels like every other therapy that didn't work and you have started to feel like any other therapist and I miss what it was before even when it was uncertain but it doesn't really matter anymore because whatever it was, it's gone now.

I don't deserve your support, besides. Give it to someone who does, who doesn't take up so much of your time outside of session.