I'm so sorry you're going through this and that things are so incredibly difficult. I can imagine how difficult it would be to have the source of great healing be the thing that also causes so much pain. Though I didn't post much when you were regularly posting, your posts, insight, and advice was always so helpful. It helped me. So I wish I could say something helpful to you, instead I'll just send support. Keep noticing all the little positive things each day has to offer. You really deserve some happiness, and a break from dealing with this. I know you've been working hard. It feels so unfair that you've been doubted.