Thank you all for your support. I wanted to let you all know that we have worked everything out and I did share this with her. One thing that I have to say is that at times I can be hard to love and understand. I can at times feel so much that has nothing to do with her and it comes out the wrong way. It is something that I am working hard to change as at times when a memory comes I put up a wall to protect myself when there is no need to put up that wall now.

I am trying hard to not put those that are not my abusers in that place but I often fail and my fear takes over where it does not belong. I should not say fail but rather I fall short because I have always had to. This is something that I am slowly learning and I have found that I am getting quicker at recognizing this than I used to be.

She has a big heart that is always giving and I know that she loves me and really cares. I cannot point any fingers at her because I know that this was something that I had to deal with and I had to learn for myself. She is not perfect but this one was on myself and something that I needed to look at and to face.

One thing I can say is that being honest with myself as to what I was doing and what was going on was a good thing. Being honest with myself made it possible for me to open up to her and to be really honest with her, and for me to make needed changes in myself. Something I never could have said just even a year ago. I did not even realize what it was.

I am walking slowly through this healing and it has not been easy. My heart is very protected and I am very scared. Being DID makes it often even harder for there are parts of myself I do not even know, parts of myself that often lash out or act out out of fear and all that they know, all they were taught to do. I am slowly getting this and understanding for the first time the depth of all that my abusers did and the lengths they went to to carry this out through other parts of myself.

But I know somewhere inside that if I am not honest with myself no one can help me. It is not someone's job to make me better but mine, and something I really am searching for the answers to how to change what was brainwashed into me so long ago. Sometimes it is not easy to look at what is within myself but it is those times I stop and really look at what is going on that I can then and only then change.

If one person has stood by me through it all it has been her and she knows the truth that sometimes I do not even see myself. She has never been hard- hearted but has stood silently many times waiting for me to come to see the truths that for so long have blinded me to what I could not see. When someone lives in lose/lose situations all their life not even realizes the lose/lose situations were there, sometimes all someone can do is just wait for you to see it.

I am not blaming myself but I am willing to stop and to look deep within myself because to be honest I was not wired right. Things were never as they should have been, wired to believe the lies and lose/lose situations I was placed in, and because of that I very often cannot see what is right there because it is all I have ever known. It feels like my whole life was nothing but a lie, a set up to never know the truth. In reality it really was.

But my abusers did not see that their own lies would fall apart and the strength that I really had through all parts of myself inside would help me find out the truth as hard as it is, and that we would not give up no matter how hard it gets. Something I did not even see myself for I did not even see the strength that kept me going all these years.

But I am moving slowly in healing as fear still often rules my life and takes over even before I realize it. I did finally step up to receive a hug the other day from my friend myself, something I had not allowed myself to have since I was a child. That part of myself that is Lilly always took the hugs that I was too afraid to feel for hugs always hurt, touch always hurt.

I went through something just these last few days, and still am, that made that one hug after all these years seem like it never really happened, I pushed away again and I shut myself off as the memory took over once again unable to allow myself to be hugged out of a fear that still lives deep inside me. I even once again reacted out of that fear of the pain of touch and that feeling of abandonment when the truth was I was the one that pulled away.

I still have not been able to take the hug myself but I did allow Lilly to step in again and get the hug we so needed. Our reaction once again hurt someone but it was not that person's fault but our fear that still is great and reacts when we feel scared and are in a memory. Our reaction was not what was wrong it was in putting on someone else our reaction when that is not where it belonged. I guess the good thing is that we now see this (I now see this)and it does not make it okay but I can see it for what it is a lot faster than I ever have seen it before and can make it right by saying I am sorry.

Fear does something to someone that was raised in a fear based atmosphere for their whole life, and is part of the very person you have become. But I am seeing that slowly it can be changed, not always, but at least is getting easier to see it for what it is and how I often react; as are other parts of myself also. Many within have not been able to get this yet, they are still locked in a time that has not moved, they do not know yet that we have grown up and are now in a safe place or at least safe if we work together to keep us safe.

But many within have began to get this and now there is more co-consciousness than we have ever had and we can see things now or at least faster now than ever before. I am just grateful for that and for my own ability to see and learn now what I never knew or was taught or even told about as a child. And I am blessed to have those in my life now that help me to see things I never knew but are also at times teaching me to learn for myself what I need to learn, and it is in those times I can change because it is myself changing for me.

So again thank you for your support, your words, and hugs. They really meant more than you know and it helped get me through a really rough time. I am not against myself but I have learned a lot through this and that is a good thing as hard as it was. I am really thankful for the ability to see things now that I never have been able to see and I know that as long as I keep being honest with myself I can keep moving forward. Healing is not easy when life has always been a lie, but it is not impossible if I take it one step one second if I have to at a time.

dps