That's kind of how I feel - only, I'm not sure what it was that actually cracked me up.

I'm on meds. I see my doctor on the 13th, I'll see what he says. These are the only meds that have worked at all so far, but I haven't seen miraculous results. There was slow but steady progress for a while, with meds and therapy... I got out of the deep deep dark despair, stopped self injuring... over spring/summer I've lost some weight and have seemed to be on the right track. I've had all sorts of realisations about myself, have started to accept who I am... It's not like I haven't made some progress.... BUT - if I can't work, can't earn money, then really I can't move on - I'm stuck in a less than ideal living situation, and it's making me miserable. Everything keeps coming unstuck because things aren't right for me. I need to find something for me, a career, a path, that is going to help me feel fulfilled, and help me get my independence back. I need to live a full life.

I want to just rock up at a charity shop or somewhere and help out for a few hours, or walk dogs at an animal rescue, or something, for that to be my first step... I want to be able to build structure into my life and start pumping myself back up... I want to be able to start work at a job, any job, just to get 'back out there' - I know this is logically the 'way forward'... but, as I've said, and as I keep telling my T, it doesn't feel like my answer. I only get so far, and then everything falls in on itself. It's like there's something blocking me, like something snapped - that the something that cracked me up in the first place isn't fixed! I wish I could explain myself better - I can't seem to get anyone to understand, can't seem to find any diagnostic information, can't find any information on how to tackle 'it', because I don't know what 'it' is. I used to have a great work ethic, even though I suffered with depression for years, I didn't let it stop me like this... I struggled, but I kept going. This feels like something else, but I don't know what. Maybe I burned out. I don't know. I still think I should be better by now. A lot of you here are in therapy, have your issues, but you are functioning and living lives as well?! Why can't I do that?!

Thing is, I'm giving up, because I've been plugging away all this time - so increasingly my T is telling my to do things and I'm just getting increasingly resistant and demotivated and rejecting everything... Maybe she will have to go all super-tough with me and demand I meet goals... but to be honest I think I'd just get hacked off and withdraw.

Thing is, I've tried lots of things, I've learned to be more open minded... but now I'm losing the will and motivation again, now I seem to be on the way back down, and the more hopeless things start to seem, the less I'm willing to try anymore. Vicious circle, right?

I need some direction... but everything seems impossible right now.

I don't think it's that T isn't capable, and she isn't giving up on me. I think I'm just... I don't know, unusual, I guess... a challenge? I'm glad she's honest with me, and I appreciate the effort she puts in.. I think on her part it was a temporary 'not sure what to do/say just now' rather than a throwing her hands up in the air and 'I'm done, there's nothing for you' ... She called me this morning and said she'd had an idea, and wants to see me Monday, see where we go from there. I just don't want to be a source of frustration for her, you know? And I have all these attachment issues, and I know I need more attention than the average client, and that has me feeling guilty... Maybe I need to find a T I can hate, that I don't care about, one who's weekend and nights off I don't mind ruining...?!