i have been talking some about this to people here and doing a lot of thinking sense my last T session. my T was talking about how i have been seeing her now for three years this October. how this relationship should be strong enough that i can ask her about it if i think she is angry at me. all this hit a huge nerve with me. my fear that she is ready to kick me to the curb is in overdrive. i need to do something .in three years i have shared so little about my past with her. i want to i really do. i have this thing in my T bag that i printed out weeks ago and said here that i wanted to share it with her .but every time i go to my session i chicken out.i don't want to keep chickening out but all this stuff in my head gets in the way. i can write so easily about what went on but talking and telling is such a different story.

i want to give her what i printed out about being kept in my room and all but i don't know how. i don't know how to get passed all this stuff in my head. all the fear. what i had written is long but i want to say everything in it.i know i wouldn't be able to read it and i am scared to sit there as she is reading it. it will be so uncomfortable. what do i do as she is reading it ? just sit there? god i would die.so many humiliating things i have written in it. i couldn't give it to her to read later i know she would only read it if i was there. if she read it at all.I'm terrified of her reaction, what if she doesn't believe me.what if she reads it and puts it aside and acts like it is not important.it is so important to me,what if none of it matters to her and she didn't care to know any of it .and this is not what she wants from me.what if she doesn't want to deal with it.or thinks it is to much.or then knows how disgusting i really am.maybe i could leave some of the very bad stuff out. but i want her to know. what if she talks about it some during the session and then i go back the next week and nothing. i go in and she says so whats on your mind this week.like i never said anything and total silence from me. everything i said gone like it doesn't matter. and what about fall out. i know that she must think i can handle this stuff just fine but i never talk about it she has no idea how i handle it neither do i and i am terrified to talk to her about that because i don't want to be needy. she isn't in her office for the rest of the week after our session and i have no contact.i don't think she thinks i ever need it or that i get that bad .i never tell her if i SI or anything .or have a hard time.i am sure she thinks i am fine all week. but i never have talked about this stuff.i don;t even know if she would believe that .i have never even told her that.

after three years this is what i have.nothing.i read about how much people have shared with there T after 3 years.how close they are.and I'm terrified to even give her a chance.how do i do this.sorry to keep on whining about this.but i need to do something and i want to do it this coming week if i can