hey guys i don't know why i am posting this but i just have the feeling that i should i really don't know what i am going to write but i just have the urged to do soo. so maybe someone will listen and understand. my friend tried to kill himself again today. he was in the bathtub and i came over his roomate said he had been in there for awhile. so i went to the door to tell him i was there and asked if he was okay he said i was. i was like okay and went to talk to his roomate. even though deep inside i knew that he wasn't and had the faint sense that he was cutting. why do i feel this way but don't act upon it???? why couldn't i go in there and make sure he was okay?? maybe because i knew it was true and didn't want to see it?? does that make me a bad friend because i didn't want to see it even though i tell him i care about him, i will never leave him, and that he can come to me for anything??? i don't want to loose him as a friend but i don't know how much longer i can go on with his emotional roller coaster and mine as well. i would have stayed at his house longer but i had an appointment with my advisor. later on tonight i saw him and he told me our on campus nurse and counselor suddenly appeared at his house. he asked me if i was the one that called but i didn't. why didn't i??? i knew something was wrong today and had been for a long time.... i knew that he stopped taking his meds...... i knew alot of things so WHY DIDN'T I CALL???? i am so mad and disapointed at myself!!!!! what if something would have happened. i know i should have immediatley called our counselor when he told me he stopped taking his meds, but we talked about it and i told him that even though he didn't want to take them he had to so he can get better (even though i know he may never get 'better') i actually thought he was taking them but i guess he was only taking them occassionally when he wanted to and not everyday like hes supposed to. I think he doesnt want to take them because he takes so many he is on four different kinds i think. but the dosage that he has to take, the clinic that he got his meds from didn't make them that high so he has to take 3 pills of one kind 4 of another and i think 2 of another. If i was in his shoes i wouldn't want to take that many either.
[bold] i don't know what to do and i am so scared. scared for him and scared for myself. [/bold]
i guess i have talked enough i know i probably wont get any replies but thats okay i just have to get it out. i should probably go back and start seeing the school counselor but i don't want to i dont think i can. it scares me to think that i maybe going 'crazy' or some form of crazy. i don't know i hope to talk to someone soon.
lots of love andrea

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>