I have multiple moods or personalities
a great deal amount of depression at some times and I accepted my ugliness
often blaming it to my errors.

I do have some control over it...
By doing things I like...

I cosplay, and props making became my job.
I earn depends on how much time I give to it.
I exhaust all my mental, physical energy and even if I have a personality change or mood swing they seemed to coordinate rather than ruin what I do.
telling me that " We can do this, just a little bit More"

Though the feeling of ugliness is still in me, my depressions of the past still lingers inside me, but through this I can control it.

Well that`s good until my parents sent me to work at a hotel... I am not really fit here I guess where no passion and sometimes the guest are saying painful things... I can`t help but to blame my own imperfection.

I do want to go on doing what I want though I can`t allow myself to disobey.

I have friends, I gained from cosplaying. I have one friend during Highshool as well he`s my best friend but well he`s studying now. <I`m an undergrad. btw> my family wasn`t able to provide me with the financial needs...
I accepted that. knowing that taking engineering and arts will be a pain in the pocket.

I will always try to understand them for the best of my efforts.

then someone asked me
WHAT IS YOUR DREAM

I wasn`t able to answer them at once
then all sort of things came inside me.

1 I wanna Die
2 I want to have an apprentice
3 I want to adopt a son for I won`t allow myself to pass on my imperfection to the next generation...

I want to adopt a child and assure that he will never end up to be one like me. Even now that`s always been my ideals...

I will try to change that kid`s life and one day that kid will be able to do all sort of things, things I`m not capable of... and that kid will be able to choose
what he wanted and there he`ll prosper... he will be the source of my happiness and then I`ll be glad to leave this place.

that`s what I said.

I always wanted to do what is right as well. Trying to reach perfection so that my imperfections will be veiled and I`ll be accepted.
I want to make people happy and I won`t allow them to walk the path I`ve endured. Who`s broken, bullied, and succumbed to blaming his errors which I can`t deny anymore.

That made me live on... without this I guess I would`ve killed myself long ago
What keeps me alive now is the ideals
And this very Ideals control me.

Now I am very depressed but before I left I had many friends
We created a group
they are a nice bunch, some are suffering as I do and in a way or two related to mine... that`s why we understood each other...
We raised funds for the flooded people in the Philippines which we are in.
they helped, we helped...

at least to ease their pain...

I`ve been happy and proud even though my mood swing prevents me from being happy for long... I was happy.

I do not know why I am here in the hotel... why I still stay... but I believe I need to endure everything...
In this distant Island there might be an answer I think... I will stay here as long as I can... and meet my friends...

My friends
My Passion
My Ideals

Controls my urges and keeps my alive.