I am an out gay man. I have some comments on what you have said:

1. In gay sex they are tops and bottoms and those who are versatile (can both top and bottom). Being a bottom does not make you a woman. You are a man - 100% man - who enjoys bottoming. Yes, many bottoms are effiminate men; however, many are not. They prefer to bottom because that is what they enjoy. (Apparently, **** sex stimulates the prostate and is enjoyable to many.)

2. You are dealing with fantasies when it comes to **** sex. Just the thoughts are turn ons but your real life experience has been different even though has been very limited. Apparently, there is a lot of shame involved too as you had feelings that caused you to avoid doing it again for years. Please try to separate the fantasy from the reality, it will better prepare you emotionally if you choose to engage in **** sex.

3. Your first encounter was not ideal. It was with a stranger and in a car. Give yourself a better situation this time. Get you know your partner; make sure they practice safe sex; tell them outright that you do not want to engage in things that will bring about feelings of shame such as overly dirty talk, degrading behavior, etc. And, select a better place, e.g., a hotel room where you feel free to experiment with different positions, talk with your partner before and afterwards, have your partner stick around afterwards and perhaps try it again until you are more comfortable with the both the sexual and emotional feelings. Finding a trusty partner with more experience would help.

I hope these comments are helpful and wish you the best!