(((Pegasus))))

Thank you. Yes, I do believe that my littles feel safe enough now to let out what they are feeling. But I do feel it was myself who was wrong in how I was reacting and that I really needed to see what I was feeling that I could not see. I too think that I feel safe enough to let out things around my friend, but truth is she did not deserve how I was reacting for whatever the reason.

I think because I respect her and what she feels is important to me that for myself I was not taking her feelings into account. Maybe that was because I hurt so bad and to be honest I thought I was, but I really was not. I wanted to but I think that from my abuse and my protecting my heart, I was not able to really see what I was doing. I am really glad that I could finally see and make things right.

You are right, it did come from my abuser, but I want to take responsibility for what I do and change what my abusers have ingrained within me. I think that I have figured out that I take whatever feelings I am having from the past and because I am too afraid to really feel them I pull something in from the present to feel instead, putting more of the feelings from the past in the present situation so that the past does not hurt so much.

My fear of my emotions and the fact that I still feel so afraid to have any emotions makes it more difficult and feeling the past emotions that I, and all within, have hidden away for safety for so long often feels as though I am not going to come back or that I will lose my mind, the emotions get caught in what is now, making it come out to present things.

I do not know if that makes sense for I am having trouble writing my own thoughts out today. Something within is pulling me hard today. It often feels when I am onto something this happens as if I am not supposed to be getting this. But I know that I do tend to blame myself a lot, because I was always blamed and that became a real part of myself to the point I did not know any different.

It became easier to just accept the blame than to even try to think of any other way or truth to what was going on. To be honest I could not see any other truth for that was my truth. So often I still do blame myself. But I am beginning to see glimpses of times when it is really something that I need to make right and face, not all the time, but when I do I want to be able to take that responsibility and make right what is wrong.

You are right though that I still see from the lies and lose/lose situations most times. It is really hard at times to know and that self blame and hate is still right there. I really appreciate what you said, and I do understand. You are right that I have a right to be myself with my friend and yes she does love me more than I will ever deserve. I do treasure her and I just want to try my hardest to do the right thing and to change what I can of what is ingrained within myself through all parts of myself.

As painful as this is it is changing slowly. I am trying to forgive myself for hating me, I am not there yet but closer than I have ever been before. Some days it is not as hard as other days when those old tapes begin to play and sometimes at a volume I cannot turn down or off. When that silent scream is all I can hear.

I really appreciate what you said Pegs, thank you. I will work on that though, and try to hold onto that when those old tapes begin to scream again.

dps