[quote=granite1;2611815 i was kind of hopping writing about it here might make it easier but it hasn't. [/quote]

Granite, I can only give you my experience, which is consistent with what you wrote here. I spent 2 years in T with my first, about 3 with my second T, and now am going on year 2 with my third T after a 15 year hiatus.

I have written a LOT, like thousands of pages, of journal stuff with lots of traumatic content, and I shared all of it with my first T. With my second T, I started out giving her my journal because that is what I got used to with first T. Then I stopped writing a journal. With my third T, I gave him my journal for much of my first year, then I stopped (but have continued to journal).

And what I have learned is that there is very little therapeutic benefit in the writing beyond the calmness that I feel after I have released it on the page. This is a big deal, so I'm not discounting writing it down. But the real therapeutic benefit is in the sharing of it with T, and what I realized with my current T is that writing it down and giving it to him resulted in me really not talking about it at all. What has helped me leaps and bounds above everything is to tell it out loud. I have not done this very often or very well-- I find that I tend to lose my words, or not explain things very well, or just have a hard time getting it out. And I am pretty much extremely verbal and articulate in real life. I don't really recognize the person who fumbles around talking about traumatic stuff in therapy. But what happens when I share it with T, even those few bungled up phrases or words, is really magical. I see in the way he looks at me and talks back to me that none of the things I used to feel about who I was because of what was done to me are really true. It's like talking to him about it cut the cord between my past and present in such a wholistic and complete way.

That has never happened when I have just given him something to read. He might know a lot of stuff about me, and I'm sure that helps him understand me, and I'm sure I benefit from that. But talking about it-- which I think about the traumatic stuff has never been more than a paragraph's worth of information-- is what has helped me move forward.

My T will not raise anything from my journal and/or ask me about it. I have not asked him to do differently, maybe he would if I ask him. But the T way is to interact with you in session, and although writing things down can be a vehicle for that interaction, it is not a substitute for you talking. Whether you talk about the trauma itself or something else, I think it might be important for you to make sure that you don't get yourself into that place where you just want to give her stuff to read. It's still your role to pretty much say stuff after she's read it. At least in my experience. But that's something to talk to her about too, you can ask her how she will handle you giving her something to read in session. I assume she will read it, but maybe you want to know what will happen afterwards . . . will she ask you questions about it?

But what you said in an earlier post here is also true-- if you don't like how you feel after you tell her something, you don't ever have to tell her anything again. It is all up to you, although I think talking to her about how this all might go and what you're thinking about doing might be a great discussion to have. Good luck.