Oh Nightsky, I'm so sorry . I've been going through my own should-I-go-back-to-T drama (most recent development: for the first time since I have met him, I e-mailed him to tell him I did not feel safe, and he said he did not think he should be "involved in supporting" me, since every time we talk it goes sour... so I really feel you on the suicidal feelings). So I had been thinking about you.

If you don't mind, I'd like to NOT say one thing that I know happened, but simply say that one of this person's claims is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. As in not in the realm of possibility, at all, not for Nightsky and not for anybody. There is absolutely no way it could possibly be true. If you'd like me to remove that, just let me know either by PM or on this thread. But I wanted to come to your defense a little and say that there is just NO WAY that it's true, and there's no explanation other than a total fabrication on the other person's part. At least this one thing.

Which makes her totally not credible. I CANNOT BELIEVE your T still believes her. I mean what the hell. It makes me really angry because it feels like he has gone through no effort at all to figure out if what she is presenting to him is even POSSIBLE, let alone true.

What frustrates me is something that multiple people have brought up. SeventyEight, for instance,

He should be able to hear something about you from someone else, and you should not have to bear the burden of it. I'm with everyone else whose mind is boggled that he would allow himself to believe -- really believe, inside -- something that someone else said about you. Frankly, he chose to be a therapist, which means he made the choice to be present with only the person across from him in the room, and working with in their subjective reality.

What Anne brings up makes me think of how it SHOULD be with your T. It shouldn't matter what he thinks about what you are saying, how believable it is. T's are trained to talk to people who believe that they are receiving messages from space ordering them to kill their parents -- not by saying, "No you're not," but by asking them about the messages, etc. I'm not saying it's the same thing AT ALL, I'm saying that even if you were saying something totally out there, it should not matter. What makes this truly a nightmare is that what you're telling him is actually the truth, both in your reality and in the reality perceived by others.

But he brings this other stuff into the room. You shouldn't have to know about any of this stuff, because whether he believes it or not (which I still can't get over, how dumb is he??), he should be there with you, and he should be there believing what is real TO YOU. He seriously screwed this up, and now that you know, it's nearly impossible to go back to that state of blind trust, because now not only do you know what's being said, but you know that he is allowing his belief of it to affect how he sees you. He is actually TELLING you that, which amazes me in its shamelessness. I would be so embarrassed for myself if I were a therapist and I had to admit to someone that I was having a hard time believing them because of something someone else said. Cringe!

This whole thing is just an awful mess. I'm so sorry. I'm not surprised you're suicidal. I wish I could say something that would help. Right now for me, I am trying to spend as much time with my H as possible, because I feel guilty thinking about suicide when I'm with him -- I can't do that to him. Hang in there