I want to reply to everyone but really can't right now. But each and every response means a lot to me. A LOT.

Anne - The place I am trying to get to is seeing how much of this is triggered from my past and how much is now. I know that if my past were different this wouldn't feel so big. But my past is what it is, and it DOES feel this big. I don't want it to. I can clearly see how the past is getting in the way - AND this sucks. I need to be able to trust my T to work with him - and to be able to feel really, really, really safe - and I'm struggling. A lot. I do hear what you're saying. And I even see how it applies. Im' just not there.

SallyBrown - thank you. I appreciate you backing me up on that. Because it IS impossible, and it's crazy making that T is stupid enough to believe it. I did tell him at one point that she had manipulated me a lot (she had) and that HE was being manipulated too. I think he heard me. I do kind of think he;s starting to get it. but omg.

I think that 78 said something about confidentially. T did say what he said in a very vague way - no names or specifics -that made it clear to me what was being said but by sort of skirting around it. Which wasn't ideal, and probably still violates something, but I'm glad he told me. What made me fall apart was finding out that while I was sitting there feeling safe, he was sitting there with this doubt in his mind. That, to me, is the worst part. I thought I was safe, but I wasn't. Trigger trigger trigger. I pretty much lost it - I mean REALLY lost it - and it was like something "snapped" for T and he saw the reality of the situation. Maybe. Maybe.

Things are crazy. They will get better. I'm just not sure how yet. I'm scared it will not involve T, though, and that breaks my heart. AGAIN.