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Thank you both. I called t on Friday and he is back, according to him his blood pressure was over 200 and it's been acting up a lot lately, so he's apparently "back for now" no telling how long the for now will be.
Granted I don't want him, or anyone for that matter to push themselves too far, I've done it and it ends badly, if he's ready for retirement and all then I'd be supportive of that but I don't know where I would be left in the mix of it all.
Perhaps it wont be that big of a deal, I've been learning and getting much better in the five months of recent therapy than I have over the last 11 years of total therapy. But I've been set in changing, in fixing myself and have had hope for it, so maybe I will be able to continue getting better if I have to change doctors. I just don't know how much they will know about the condition and quite honestly, I've already been a test subject for a couple of t's trying to get into the dissociative field, trying me as their first patient, and it didn't go over so well. But the main things with me that have gotten better are not the DID issues but my own issues. Which makes me wonder...
If I can just continue working on myself, letting things come as they wish, and learn to better handle stress and not blackout, maybe I don't have to deal with the DID aspect? Maybe it will just all smooth itself out without specific DID treatment? I don't know but I'd kinda like to just move on with my life, leave the past behind me and not learn what happened in my past, the details during the blackouts. I just want to move forward not backward, I wonder if it's possible if you can learn to manage your own mental state, to be able to basically skip the other parts. Then again it's probably not since fixing myself wont necessarily fix the parts who according to t still think they are in danger, the parts that need help too, and maybe it's not fair to try and heal myself and exclude them. IDK but I'm kind of a mess right now so I'm just drifting by, something I've mastered since childhood. When I get bad, just stop caring and feeling, just float by. Only it also takes away the happiness with the rest of the unwanted feelings but eventually the bad feelings go away and I can feel again and I can start over
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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