I was diagnosed about 13 years ago (I'm 39 now) when I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt so things were pretty rock bottom at the time. I know I felt a sense of relief, but I was also wary. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with depression and then "atypical" depression becuase I wasn't responding to anti depressants - because I was bipolar and no one had figured it out.

So, for awhile I felt like I was going to spend another 10 years living in chaos and then the doctors would say "oh, it's not bipolar disorder, we don't know what it is, we can't help you." (Which didn't happen).

It was still a scary experience and I didn't know what was going to happen and part of me didn't want to change. The way one therapist told me I'd built a house (my coping skills and the way I interacted with people) and now I was going to have to tear down the house and built it new again. She also told me that I was in control - I could take my meds and go to therapy or not take my meds and go to therapy or not take my meds and not go to therapy. But things weren't going to change unless I took my medicine (and we found something that worked) and I went to therapy. And for awhile I didn't do anything and nothing got better.

So I started trying to find medicine and I went to therapy and things improved.

I will say that my bipolar disorder was mostly depression with hypomania and that when I was truly manic it wasn't anything I'd consider positive or creative. It was chaos and horrible. I often wished I could blame my behavior on being drunk.

Also I make a big point now of saying I have bipolar disorder instead of I am bipolar because not only am I more than my illness I have the bipolar disorder (relatively) under control.

Once I was on medication and saw what life was like when I wasn't being controlled by the bipolar disorder I never wanted to go back. There wasn't anything positive in the hypomanias and mania for me.

I think overall it took me several years before I got a mix of medication that would work and I trusted the process (so to speak) so it takes time but hopefully you'll get there.