Because then i wouldnt give a you know what....

I posted a few months back about the relationship problems with my mother/family. Since then i thought things would get better....wrong!

Needless to say i've been having a struggle with my emotions. Constantly fighting myself and trying to convince myself nothing is wrong, its all in my head...... but part of me screams back, its a lie....

I've fallen into a deep depression again and cant get out, I was doing good for a few months, happier than i am now anyways, but its gotten to the point where i am having suicidal thoughts again. I swear my emotions are always fighting up, down, all around... I no intention on acting them but its exhausting. Living this way on a daily basis. I am always putting up a front for people, few people know i have issues, most believe i am some happy, giggly goofball... I dont know what to think anymore... the few friends i have talked to tell me i should get help. I havent bothered trying to tell my mother. I just dont know.

Im worried im going to lose my job if i see behavioral health but i think i may have hit the breaking point this morning. I woke up from a nightmare balling my eyes out and full of terror. I dreamed i thought i had my best friend had died, by suicide. I was terribly upset and then at the very end i found out she was alive and i woke up. It was enough to throw my whole day. I think this dream was a way for me to see what i'll do to my best friend if i ever lose my battle to depression...just thinking about it makes me want to cry... I've talked to a couple of helplines they all tell me the same thing. I just dont know, im scared i guess... Can anybody relate to this emotional struggle? or give me any advice?