I'm probably not willing to do anything at this point. I know that sounds bad, but you have to understand, I have no self-worth, no self-confidence and no self esteem at this point. I drink because I am. It's that insane. I know I need help, but I can't afford to be where I need to be (in rehab) and I know I'm too weak to be in AA. I'd just lie and go home and drink, like I did when I could afford a shrink (for a short while). I'm ashamed of myself, of every aspect of myself. I'm ashamed to write this, but I'm hoping that in some way, this will help me face the problem. I've admitted it under an assumed name on some forum. Big deal. I've got a long way to go. I just really doubt I can get there.