***Trigger warning for mention of sex

I have been feeling very intense maternal transference for me T pretty much since I started therapy. I see her as safe, nurturing, warm, etc. She is a lot older than me and dresses in turtlenecks and has gray hair and glasses, etc. I always imagine her holding me and being close to me. I also am very very curious about her and think about her a lot outside of session.

Occasionally, I also have sexual thoughts about her, but that is not really how I feel about her. I don't feel attracted to her in that way. I just think I am very curious about her, and my feelings towards her are as intense as you can feel about someone without being sexually attracted to them, but I think that very occasionally those two types of attractions "overlap" for me.

Lately, T and I have been talking about some very personal sexual things, like my discomfort with sex, in a very intimate way. It was after one of these discussions, when she mentioned something that triggered me thinking about her sex life, that I knew I had to tell her how I felt. I emailed her and told her about how I think she is so maternal and I feel so attached/dependent on her. I also told her I occasionally have sexual thoughts about her, but that those feelings are peripheral to how I feel towards her as a whole.

She emailed me back and said some stuff about transference, etc. and that she didn't feel uncomfortable or weird that I had told her this, that I have been making lots of progress in therapy, and then she wished me good luck on my first week of my new job and told me she would see me on Friday. It was a very nice email, and I didn't expect her to respond to what I had said in a super detailed way b/c it is email.

However, now I feel kind of gross for telling her this, especially about the sexual stuff. I don't want her to think I am attracted to her, because I'm not. It is just that when we are talking about my sex life in such an intimate way, it makes me wonder about hers, not in a way that arouses me, but just in a curious way. But I also think of her as being very maternal, so I don't enjoy having these thoughts at all. I feel like a sick freak, TBH. I don't know if I can work through this. I just feel like she is a mother figure towards me. I told her I feel safe when I am with her, which is true.

I am also suprised about how much I can tell her and she does not back away from me or tell me to stop coming. I was actually quite comfortable with my transference issues, until I told her about them, and now I can't stop thinking about my disclosure. AND I don't see her 'till Friday. Ugh....