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So dads a alcoholic and beenon crack/meth for 22 years, also dabbles with hallucinogens and basically anything he gets his hands on.
Moms an alcoholic, still, ever since I can remember. Any time I get a call from her after 9:30pm I know she's drunk. She also messes with pills coke etc but she doesn't think I know about the coke. She's so bad I had to literally hide (when I was 19 years old) a bottle of rush from her, she spent the entire night sniffing it, like 45 times before I took it from her. And she was doing this every night.
Anyways, so uncles aunts and all the family have addictive problems in some form. And until recently I thought I was the odd ball of the family since my only addiction seems to be cigarettes.
When I was 14-17 I drank frequently, vomiting type drunk, not able to walk and of course lots of bad things happened. But eventually I stopped all together, tired of the hang over and tired of putting myself in bad positions, I didn't look back, I was ok with stopping. I went a few years without drinking at all. Then slowly started again.
Now I drink when we go out, I'm a social drinker. My fiance plays music and when I watch his band perform it's almost certain I will drink. But since I have my daughter I don't go out much, maybe once a month.
So when I drink I get wasted. I don't really like to drink at all unless I'm going to get drunk. I'll either start the night and drink 1/2 a beer and not want to continue because I don't feel like getting drunk or I'll drink 8 beers and be hammered.
Now I'm a very happy, talkative, hyper drunk. I'm very shy and lazy when I'm not drinking so being drunk is like the oppisite of who I am but I like it. I didn't see an issue with this until a couple of nights ago. I remembered in my AA meetings I was forced into that they said if you were ever an alcoholic (and they considered me to be one at the time) you shouldn't drink at all, and if you drink to get wasted it shows you have a problem.
So I compared that to my life and lately, I've been in a bad funk, really bad anxiety which caused depression since my anxiety keeps me from doing anything I used to enjoy. And now I'm wanting to (but not nearly as much as I want to) drink and get drunk so I can be happy and have fun and be the life of the party again. Even wanting to drink alone, just to have motivation and feel...
And it worries me when I remember my AA meetings, I don't mess with drugs because I don't want to be like that part of my family, and I've seen the horror alcohol creates with certain people and although I'm not near that point yet, I worry I may one day be.
But like I said I have anxiety so maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion? So I'm here hoping to get anyones ideas, thoughts or anything really... Am I messed up? Am I in danger of becoming my family? Or is is ok to get really drunk every now and then?
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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