Went to my mother's this weekend with my wife. It was a good trip, but the wrong time, or something. Late last week I started getting those thoughts back in my head that there is nothing worth sticking around for. I tried to check out recently. I failed and in the process hurt people I love. The shame, sadness and self-loathing won't go away. They never have and that just added to it.

I need quiet. I don't want to be alone, but I need quiet. I told my wife that I am tired of the topic of what happened a little over a month ago (suicde attempt). I'm just tired of the whole thing. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of feeling it. So, she asks me questions about details!!! Then when I say I can't talk about it right now she turns the stereo back on while I try to explain to her that I am not shutting her out, I just can't focus on that right now, but we can talk about something more pleasant. She shuts me out. Then she tells me that my recollection of events that just happened are wrong. I am bipolar. I don't f'n know. I'm crazy. She could be right. I don't know what is real anymore. For all I know, I am watching television on Jupiter right now. I don't know what's real.

I used to be strong. I used to be sure of myself. I used to know my own mind and trust it. This is the crap that makes me not want to be here. I am physically disabled and I don't know what's real anymore. It's like a bad acid trip that will never end. I am in Hell and I can't see the exit. I am scared. It's like, when I need for things to be quiet, they get louder. If I need a hug, I am pushed away. If I need I patience I get anger. If I need reassurance I get discouragement and I am just beyond tired. This really is all there is and I want no part of it anymore.

I am scared because it is the disease. I can't fix this and I am so damned tired of things I can't do and things I can't fix. I'm sick of life always saying "NO!". I'm sick of what can't be done. I hope tomorrow feels better. I need hope. I need to wake up to something more than this. This is just exhausting. I miss who I used to be. I hate what I have become. I don't want to be alive anymore but I can't fix that either. I feel like my head is going to catch fire. I'll shut up now. There's nothing more to say.