((((80vette))))

Thank you. Just wanted you to know that I hear you and I can relate. When I got divorced, I had no idea of what was wrong. I did not have any co-consciousness, and to be honest even though I had been diagnosed DID I do not know what all I put my ex or my children through. I have no memory and I now see that I lost so much time. I often feel so bad and lost at that time of my life, and I wished that I knew then what I have come to realize and know now. It might not have saved my divorce but it would have made so much more sense.

I do remember some things and it was not always good, yes even abusive at times, but I always have in the back of my mind the question if I caused it somehow and I can see how hard it must have been for him and my children. My fears are now beginning to make more sense to me as I open myself to what lies within. I am a long way from healing but I am working hard to try to. For me, this has not been easy, seeing myself and what abuse has done and the things ingrained within me that I never even realized.

I never realized it because I left myself, dissociated to make it through, and the pain and fear kept me far away from my own memories that are there but through other parts of myself. Those within did for me what I could not do for myself. Somewhere I wanted to survive. I am not sure why because sometimes I now feel I want to end as I face my life and what happened. I guess in all of us is the survival state, even when I did not and do not feel it.

My strength I am unsure where it comes from except that I do not want to let them (my abusers) win or take any more of my life than they already have. It is not easy, and when I finally saw what I was doing to my friend, I really felt horrible and I had to try to make it right. It was not easy to tell her, I was really terrified. But I have to say that in that terror I was able to see what I did not like and I could also see the truth. Sometimes the truth of what I see really hurts, and even though it comes from my past abuse, I do not want it to rule me anymore.

I am sorry that you have gone through a divorce. Please know that you are not alone. And that there is hope, sometimes it just takes a long while to get there. My fight for myself is far from over but I am one step closer than I have ever been. I do validate you and your feelings. Most days I have to take it one second at a time. You can too and know that we are here for you and will listen.

Thank you again for what you said. I do hope that through my own struggles, somehow I can help someone else. As hard as it is we are all on this healing path and with one another we can get through this. Slowly and one day, one step, often one second at a time, but if we keep searching for the truth and keep reaching even when it is hardest, we can do it.

dps