i'm so aggravated right now i can hardly stand it. a little background:

i was on risperdal for several months. during the transition time i wound up in the hospital because my paranoia was so bad i was afraid of my own wife and kids. after that brief stay i leveled out somewhat for a while, but wound up with 3 mg of risperdal. in a short time at that dose, i gained about a dozen pounds and told my pdoc this. the paranoia was still kind of bad, but the hallucinations had pretty much disappeared. i also still couldn't seem to get out of my own head because i spent so much time listening to what was going on in there. so the pdoc decided to switch me to abilify.

now i'm all crappy again. i'm agitated beyond belief. still can't get out of my head. the hallucinations are returning (i'm seeing the shadows again, the same ones that watch me and put stupid thoughts in my head). i feel like i'm being pulled in ten different directions by something unseen and unknown and my mind is completely shattered like glass. i also price-checked the abilify through my insurance, and even if at a higher dose (i take 4 mg samples now) it works, it's still going to cost me $300 a month which i can't afford.

i've told my pdoc before that i cannot afford brand name APs. i also told him i don't want to gain weight or wind up diabetic. i gained 70 lbs on zyprexa before and my cholesterol was out of whack. i don't want to go through that again.

but now i feel like he's trying to shove something down my throat that i can't afford (which in the end will be a waste of time if i can't pay for it), and i'm not a very assertive person. when i get backed into a corner, i get violent both physically and verbally, and i'm at the point where i just want to spit all kinds of nastiness at the pdoc. i know this won't help.

i'm willing to try the 1st generation APs. i know they have nasty side-effects like TD, akathisia, etc. but to be honest, i'd rather have some disfiguring movement disorder than be a fat diabetic with potential heart problems. i just want a med that works, a med i can afford to take. i want some friggin' peace in my brain instead of all this chaos.

what's the best way to approach my pdoc without looking like a complete jerk? what should i say? i always feel rushed, intimidated, and insignificant when i talk to him which i know stems from me and not him. ugh, i don't know what to do.

sorry this was so long.