Trigger warning for SI/sui.



So a couple weeks ago, I did a new T interview marathon. One new T each on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I did like one of them a lot, but the problem is, she does not take my insurance, and she'd be kind of expensive. This is a whole separate issue that I need to figure out, and have been mulling over.

Then, I made a huge mistake.

I thought I would contact old T before making a final decision about one of the above three. I definitely, definitely should have waited.

I asked him via e-mail if there was anything -- A N Y T H I N G -- new that had come to mind for him in the past couple of weeks. I also asked if he would be interested in doing a consultation, since one of the new Ts I interviewed had offered to do that. I told him that if neither of those things were true, then we probably shouldn't meet again.

Of course, he said nothing was new. Of course. This infuriated me more than I expected. Heck if you gave me two weeks to think about Mickey Mouse I'd probably be able to come up with something new. But no. So I just flipped out. I was so angry. I told him I was regretting contacting him, and I should have left it there, but instead I sent an angry e-mail. I told him how his "misunderstanding" of so many things about me was total BS. And I said that I had really, really wanted to believe that all of that BS was attributable to something else, because if there was no explanation for it, then that just made him an incompetent therapist. I know, right? So harsh. I was so upset .

As for the consultation... he didn't really answer directly, just said that he had a colleague he could speak to who might be able to serve as a consult, but he'd be happy to consider the person I met. But I could not figure out from the way he worded it whether he was wanting to try this, or if he was just going along with it. So I did add in the e-mail that I wasn't sure why he didn't just say whether he actually wanted to do it or not.

We talked on the phone a bit and decided to meet for a little bit in person. Before we met, he sent me an e-mail warning me that he (1) thought that for now we should not meet regularly, since we would probably just continue to have the same problems, and (2) would regardless talk to this colleague about consultation. This seemed... weirdly insightful. Like it made me suspicious in how normal, helpful, and well-thought-out it sounded. It made me extremely sad, but it also just kind of surprised me. However, as the day went on, I felt more and more sad about how he said he'd always be eager to have me back and to work things out, and that this turned out to be not so true.

Our chat didn't do much other than make me feel worse. He was really sad and upset and I felt bad about flying off the handle at him. He also told me that the day I left, when I had noticed how hard he was crying, that he cries like that maybe once every 3 or 4 years . I guess that made me feel like at least I mattered in some way, but it didn't really undo the fact that he didn't want to talk to me, "for now". He kept saying we shouldn't meet "for now". I have no idea how long "for now" is. So, anyway, I felt a little betrayed. Just a little. I know he didn't totally go back on saying I could come back whenever I wanted, but he kind of did.

He asked if I was safe. At the time, I did not think I was a suicide risk, so I said that even though I had suicidal thoughts, I thought I was ok.

I had mentioned to him over the phone that I wasn't sure that consultation was something he actually wanted to do. I don't remember his answer, other than that it wasn't a real answer. But I also didn't ask a real question, so I asked him straight up, was this consultation something he *wanted* to try, or did he want me to just move on. Again, he said he thought it would be best for me to move on "for now", and he would try to get in touch with his colleague. OMG.

On my way home I felt awful. Totally abandoned. I felt like I truly had nobody and was so heartbroken. I wished that if he had not wanted to see me, that he had just said so before, and not first said, "Come back anytime," before saying, "Actually, don't." Everything just seems so ***-backwards.

I also felt really bad about getting so angry and upsetting him so much, and felt like I was just putting him through a lot of crap. I cried a lot. I cried a lot the next day, too... I stayed home from work early in the day because I was having other medical issues, and just cried and cried. And was getting really seriously suicidal.

I kept thinking about contacting him, hoping he'd at least talk me down if I told him I was unsafe, but I kept reminding myself that I wasn't supposed to contact him. I kept trying to think of all these different ways to get him to respond, but they were all silly and manipulative. It was also obvious how ironic it was that before, not contact him had made things better, but now that I had, things were so bad that I needed to talk to SOMEBODY and I really just had him.

So finally, I e-mailed him. I told him I felt unsafe, that I'd been thinking about contacting him but knew he'd probably turn me away. And for that reason, it really seemed like having hope or any kind of continued connection was really doing damage. That it was very hard for me to accept that a dire situation to me is no longer a dire situation to him, and that this is getting in the way of my accepting that.

I also mentioned that all of his indirect responses to the consultation thing were leading me to worry that he didn't want to do it, and I didn't want to make him. Just like nobody wants to drag their partner to couples therapy if they really aren't even interested in trying it. I felt bad that I just seemed to be making him unhappy. I had not had the intention, at all, of jerking him around, but it seemed like I was having that effect anyway and I just wanted everything to stop.

He responded with pretty much just the following:

No surprises on the suicide front.

It does seem like he's trying to just show me through his actions (for once!) that he is interested in consultation. I have to assume he must be, but it is so frustrating that he won't just say he wants to try it. I want to know that I am interpreting his actions correctly, and it just feels exhausting to have to try to get him to just confirm for me that he is doing this because he wants to. I think if this were someone else, I wouldn't be so bothered by it, but he is not usually the type to persist in doing something that he believes will be helpful despite whatever storm is going on around him. I'm that kind of person. He isn't -- he's typically very passive, with a few exceptions. Our other ruptures have also tended to be around him just sort of doing something without saying anything about it, and having that something alter our relationship in a way that makes me feel crazy because he won't talk about it. I really just want to know what's going on.

But, it kind of doesn't matter. I think I'd still be up for the consultation if he can make it work with his colleague -- provided he will just freaking confirm for me that he wants to do this. I don't want to bring up the idea of consulting with the T I met if the other guy falls through. It's too exhausting.

Some of these things I know I walked right into... contacting him before I had anyone else to go to in case it went really badly; flipping out via e-mail; wanting him to say, "Yes, I think consultation is worth trying." Another thing was that I mentioned to him that a lot of my extreme anxiety abated once I stopped seeing him, and he cited this as one of the reasons I should see him "for now", which feels a little manipulative in a way I have a hard time explaining. I feel so dumb .

I am less suicidal now... spent the weekend with H as much as possible to remind myself that ultimately, I want to live. But I'm really depressed. I don't know what to do about the T I can't afford; she has sliding scale but I feel self-conscious about paying her less. I know I need to keep trying to get a new T but now I'm so depressed I just don't feel like doing it.

Anyway. Just wanted to vent about it all.