So, I haven't cut to SI in well over a year. Great, huh? BUT, within the last two weeks I have twice attempted sui by (I don't know if I can say that here?) cutting my wrists. They were deep cuts both times, the second time way worse than the first time.

Now my problem is, it's like the spell is broken. I want/need to do it again. Not to die though. It scares me, because now I know I'm capable of going deep, and how satisfying it is. I'm scared that from here on they will get deeper and deeper until there is permanent damage of any kind. I came very close to damaging some tendons last week. The doctors kept checking my fingers to make sure everything still works.

My T dropped me after last week. I have an appt with my new T on Wednesday, but I don't know if I can start out with something like that. It takes me a long time to start trusting someone.

I still have a pack of razor blades that the police/paramedics/firedepartment/ER people didn't find. I know I should get rid of it, but I just can't bring myself to do that. It's like that angel-devil on the shoulders thing.

I'm just really worried about this.