When I am especially sad, as I was today, I am a hot mess. My therapist was great, though she seemed to be at a lost for words (which is a new one for her). She spent a long time fruitlessly trying to get a hold of my shrink's secretary to see if I could get a sooner appointment. Which meant I had to sit there ticcing in a bad way while I waited along with her...which only made me feel more pathetic. And crazy. There's nothing crazier than moaning, "SHE'S SICCCCCCCCCCCK!" over and over again while someone's talking on the phone.

I got homework assignments though. I always feel good when I get a homework assignment for some reason. Maybe it makes me feel empowered.

But as soon as I got home, I felt the need to send an apologetic email. But it actually didn't contain the words "I'm sorry". I thanked her for her patience and told her I would put my best effort into doing my homework. It's not an apology, but it makes me feel the same way as I would if I had sent one. And maybe it's my way of reminding her that I'm not as crazy as I behave in session. She's known me for almost five years, so I know she knows this. But I still feel the need to remind her that behind all the bizarreness, there's someone who is fully functional and grateful.

I know I need to stop feeling guilty and ashamed for doing only what I'm supposed to do in therapy. And I know I need to stop hating myself for being unable to control myself. The question is how do I do these things? My therapist says I need to be easier on myself and tell myself, "I'm doing the best that I can."

Does repeating mantras like this work? I'm going to start doing it just to see what happens.

Anyway, that's for reading. It helps to write it all out.



(My therapist says she's going to bring me another bottle of spirulina. We call it "green stuff". I secretly hate it but it's a gift and that kind of lifts my spirits.