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Triggers
So, I'm kinda down in the dumps, some not so pleasant things have been happening they always do. And it's been a huge mess trying to get on meds (appointment Thursday though, crossing my fingers) and honestly I wish I was outgoing and fun to be around. People LOVE me when I'm drinking, many people have said they fell in love with me when I was drunk.
I have low self esteem and focus too much on everything around me and inside of me, and I'm working on this with lots of therapy but drinking seems to just kick it out of me for the night at least. Although often I wake up extremely embarrassed over my behavior the night before. While I don't go crazy taking clothes off or anything I make a fool of myself. I love myself at that point and love everyone around me.
And since right now I'm really down on myself, since I'm always stuck in my head, stuck with my anxiety and my overall unhappiness due to the events of the past year, I just want to be out of my head, I don't want to be me, I want to be the me that is happy outgoing and fun to be around. I want to feel the happiness that drinking seems to bring
But I went to the website provived (thank you) and did the test. I answered 9 out of the 20 wrong I guess as they say it's likely I need to see someone for my drinking. Says 3 or more shows signs of alcoholism and I got 9 so... I just don't like the idea of not being able to be that person any more.
I was a major "pot head" recently. I've smoked on and off for the last 11 years and the past 3 years I was heavy smoker. In three years I didn't go one day without smoking, often smoking a quarter of an ounce in a day. It originally (when I started back up 3 years ago) was for medicinal purposes, I have celiacs and lactose intollerance so I was always feeling sick and never able to have an appetite. So I was given marijuanna. But I got extreme with it. I liked changing my mind, being "mind altered" andyes I dabbled with hallucinogenics, often it was as mentioned above, something I decided when I was drinking or high. I guess I see why they can be gate ways (although I do believe marijuanna isn't bad, it's got many many many good components to it for many ill people, but I got out of hand and abused it) and the drugs ultimately caused a medical problem with me. I never went beyond marijuanna and mushrooms (once) acid(once) and ex (twice) but the result was a massive seizure that really tore me apart mentally. Swore off all drugs other than marijuanna. Then I had the second seizure and at first I didn't want to stop smoking but I did and haven't since June, and I don't really miss it, but yes I miss being in a different mind set, being less stressed and less anxious.
So I guess t was right, I've been self medicating with my mental issues all along, and now that I think about it, my urge to drink has increased since I stopped smoking marijuanna, perhaps it's trying to make up for the lack of marijuanna, my urge to drink that is.
I thought I was so much different than they are, thought they ran away from their problems and I didn't, but talking on here and evaluating myself (is what I've been fdoing on here) shows me I am very capeable and possibly on the way to becomming them as well...
The thought of never being able to drink and be that part of me again though, that worries me. Its about the only time I like everything about myself and am not critical of everything about me. The only time I feel I fit in is if I'm buzzed or beyond. That in itself lies the problem I suppose. I guess every addict has a similar story to how it started, being unhappy trying to fill some sort of void. With me it's trying to fill the self love that lacks in my life, trying to feel happiness, which is far away when I'm going through a lot.
Maybe thinking this over, hashing it out will also give me a better understanding of my father, I need it if there's ever a chance of me ever seeing him again (my choice not to)
Sorry to go on and on, you all have given me a great deal to think on and I really appreciate so many kind responses, sorry to hash it all out on here but this is my outlet, this and therapy but in therapy my t bash's on my parents and we don't really address my addictive issues. I'm afraid to. He works with my pdoc and she has thus far refused to give me anything more than hydroxizine for anxiety, fearing I will become addicted considering my teen issues, my previous pot use and my parents addictions. But I can see more and more where she's coming from.
Thank you again
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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