I agree with texdave, give yourseelf some credit for hanging in there as much as you have done thus far.

Like you, I was fearful of being on medications for several reasons. First, I hated the side affects. Second, I hated relying on a pill for my well being. Third, I was concerned about the potential long term side affects. Fourth, there is a lot of negatives written either in the media, or on the internet by patients, about antidepressants. And, fifth I thought I should be strong enough to get better on my own without drugs.

I think that a depressed person falls into the trap of looking at the glass as half empty rather than half full. You rationalize all the reasons why you shouldn't take the medications. As a result, in many cases, the depression only worsens.

OK, let me address my own conerns with taking these meds one by one. I think in most cases the side affects subside or go away completely over time. Or, it may be the case of just selecting the right medication that has the least amount of side affects for you. I am experiencing VERY few side affects at this point in time and am feeling more like myself than I have in months (if not years). I also realized that depression is a chemical imbalance and taking a pill for depression is no different than a diabetic taking insulin. With regard to the long term side affects I guess I would rather deal with those, if any, than the alternative. In terms of media and patient negativeity I found all I have to be concerned about is if the medication works for me, and it does. Last, I realized that the reality of the situation was that I could not get better on my own and I needed the medications to help me get better.

I also want to address your concern about the influence that you have over your children's lives and the lessons you are teaching them. I had the same concerns. I thought that I wasn't "rising to the occasion" to overcome the adversity in my life. But, I now realize that I have overcome the ultimate in adversity. I think I have taught my children that there is no shame in having a mental illness. That it is an illness like any other. And, like many illnesses it takes a will to get better along with good medical care and the love and support of family and friends. My kids are doing everything they can do help me get better. My daughter feels "needed" by me and I think she is learning a great lesson in giving of herself to others, even at her relatively young age (she is 11). She has also seen how even people once estranged (I am divorced from her Mom) can come together in times of crisis (my ex has been very supportive).

So don't be so hard on yourself. Tackle your issues head on. Don't beat yourself up. Would you beat yourself up if you had cancer? I doubt it. You may be worried, withdrawn and upset but you wouldn't be blaming yourself. Tackle this illness like any other. You will get better if you have the will. And, your children will learn some valuable lessons from the experience.