Tigerlilly…
My grand sponsor, (a sponsor is someone who has done the steps, and will help you to do them yourself, and a grand sponsor is just his or her sponsor) told me that the pain and despair I was feeling are God’s gift. In fact, they may be the only gifts I was capable of receiving then. The utter demoralization at depth you are feeling is a good thing, even if you can’t see it as so right now.

None of us came into the program on a winning streak. None of us were waking down the street, sun shining, birds singing, not a cloud in the sky, and thinking, “how can I top off this perfect day?” “I know, I‘ll go to my first AA meeting”

That is not how it happened. We needed to be beaten to our knees. Alcohol and drugs needed to put us through the wringer. We needed to feel all the things you are feeling right now in order to become willing. It seems that unrelenting pain is necessary for sots like us.

You have two choices. And only two choices. Adopt a simple set of spiritual principals, and live them day to day, or continue to drink and drug and feel the like you feel now for the rest of your life. Active alcoholism never gets better on it’s own. It only gets worse.

Honey, you are free to do as you please. Take your false pride (I have no self-worth, no self-confidence and no self esteem at this point, that is just your false pride turned inside out) and with it, run your life right into the ground, or you can do the next right thing and find that AA meeting. It’s your call.

Richard