Just gunna vent again, let out some thoughts. yada yada yada.

So im in therapy twice a week. And its a little odd. I feel like im not progressing. But my therapist says i am. Its wierd. I was abused as a child. and have recurring nightmares and my therapist says i have "flashbacks" where i think im back in my old house in various situations. Its apparently happened a couple of times in therapy. I hear the abuser in my head and its hard to block him out and ignore it or tell him to leave me alone. the voice consumes me and makes me want to do things. I had a real hard session one week ago. Where i apparently had a flashback i was shaking and not responding to my therapist at all. After a moment i switched to a wolf (ill explain in a minute) and started shaking more and "wimpering" After an hour i had deteriorated. So my therapist made a call to the hospital and they sent an ambulance. just before the abulance arrived another wolf came through and convinced them we would be fine, and got me out of there.

Now the wolves thing, i have 2 wolves. we form a pack. They live in a zone in my mind which i have created. a land of snow and stars. They come through when i need them. Thats that story. ANYWAY....

In therapy i talk for about 10-15mins max. Before things get hard and i shutdown. My Therapist is trying really hard to keep me in the room. since i dissociate and leave to the safe zone in my mind. She says im working hard. but i feel like im going backwards. Yesterday she had paper and pencils and that so i could draw if i want. She closes the curtains since i hate reflections. and i get blankets. shes trying so hard. I feel a little bad because i cant seem to focus or talk to her for a sustained period of time. When shes trying so hard. Its nothing to do with her. its all me. Im afraid of her leaving me. but its hard to talk at the same time. She seems to understand, but i dont. its like a light switch. One minute im happily telling her about seeing a movie at the cinema, next minute im drifting away or shutting down. its hard.

anyway. thats all im going to write for now. Im getting a headache.