I am a 23 year male law student. When paranoia hits I think my parents play dumb and they do this because they have certain methods of watch me. I think they are on my computer, in contact with my friends and teachers, on my phone etc. I convince myself they are very caring but invading my personal space behind my back. I get so irritated with the idea I hide in my room which I think is bugged with a recording device. Paranoia started since I can remember. For the last year I can no longer control it. I become so scared/ enraged with the idea they go behind my back I intentionally do absolutely ridiculous things. When in a spout, this is my thought process, I abuse the internet so when they see it they would have to say something to me, lie to my friends bc my parents talked to them, act like I'm taking part in various harming activities, abuse drugs (started taking vyvanse for school, then randomly bc it helped paranoia, then got paranoid they thought I used it for paranoia, then started giving away vyvanse thinking they counted them so it looked like more had been taken), say things out loud in my room because it is mic'd, create fake email addresses to fake that I am trying to hide conversations, looking at this very message now, etc. I am so convinced they don't talk to me face to face but try to fix these some real, some made up problems by other means. Then that furthers my paranoia and self-inflicting harm.

It all started with them actually behind my back tapping my computer, talking to my friends, lying and hiding things from me. They didn't necessarily do this because I was necessarily doing something wrong. Sometimes they were just trying to help with friends, sports, school, stressful situations, etc. I still hated the idea of that and clearly explained it to them. They will still do it to this day

I am starting to lose sense of what I am doing because I want to do it and what I am doing to deceit them. I can't stand that they still don't tell me things that directly involve me. I find out through other means. I can't handle it anymore (I have never contemplated suicide.) If they continue hiding certain things from me, I am leaving for another part of the country. I've hid money and researched (at a library where they can't log activity) going off the grid to avoid a PI. I'd return within a period of time. But I feel the need to disappear completely from them for a while. I get very upset thinking about it.

I had to change a couple of things in here because I was writing it with the intention of them viewing it. Still I don't know what is true, and what is for them to read.