I've been with my wife nearly 11 years, married for the last 3. She's a 2nd year surgical resident and works 80+ hours a week and is under tremendous stress. She's a very strong and independant person. I'm a programmer, with a normal 9-5 job, and I literally almost never have any real stress in my life. Until recently everything seemed to just go my way.

I had some bad relationships in the past. My first real girlfriend was emotionally abusive, kissing other men right in front of me, contantly keeping me in a state of being one of 2-4 men she was trying to "choose" between, and basically walking all over me. After 2 months of that I finally got some self-esteem and broke it off with her. I never really dealth with that because...

Literally the next day I met another girl and we fell for each other. We were together for 4.5 years until one day she told me she was done with me. She met a new friend at work, and 3 days later she broke it off with me. It was completely out of the blue for me. I thought everything was great, but to be fair she was only 15 and a half when we met, and she'd never been with anyone else. It didn't make the end any easier. After that I was single for about a year and a half.

When my current wife and I met it just felt right from the start. We got along so easily, we could each be ourselves and we were so in love, and so happy. That lasted nealry the entire 11 years.

In August I went out to my parent's place to watch their house for them for a week and while I was gone my wife had a party with her fellow residents. She drank a little too much and ended up taking one of the resident's porches for a joy ride. She crashed into a telephone pole (they're okay), got a DUI, and has to attend what are essentially AA meetings (she is not at all an alcoholic) and submit to random drug tests, possibly daily, for the next year or two just so the hospital can cover their @$$. Neadless to say, this all added tons of new stress to her life.

When I got back she seemed like a changed woman. She told me she realized that we'd been growing apart for awhile, which was completely out of the blue for me (again). Everything was great before I left, and when I got back it suddenly wasn't anymore.

She's had an extremely hard road to get where she is today and she feels like she's been growing and I've just stayed in the same position. I'm very empathetic, and when we got together I gave over my mind, body, and soul to her. I wrapped myself so tightly into her that I kind of lost my own sense of self, while at the same time, was smothering her and leaning heavily on her for own sense of happiness and worth.

She said it was finally too much for her and she feels like she wants a more equal partner. Someone she can talk to, and argue with, who won't simply shut down or retreat as if they're being yelled at.

Those are fair arguments I've come to realize. I did lose my self worth, and I spent so much of my time worrying about her needs, and her happiness, that I neglected myself.

So at this point we still love each other a lot. She just doesn't feel "as in love with me" as she used to. She's leaning towards a trial separation which completely scares me. I'm not sure if that's something we can come back from.

I've been seeing a therapist for the past 3 weeks and I've come a very long way. I'm able to sit with my wife now and talk, like adults, and we do that very frequently now. I'm also working on giving myself a little more attention. What do I want? What do I need? I honestly haven't thought about that for a decade and I'm having some trouble figuring that out... but I'm working on it.

If anyone has any insight, any experiences like this, stories of couples going through the same thing, or any words of wisdom, I could certainly use them right now.

I'm so scared I'll lose the love of my life. It's not entirely fair that she ask me to change myself, but at the same time, I think she's right that I do need to develop my "self". She wants a more equal partner, she wants an individual with their own opinions and interests. I can understand that. It pains me that I haven't been providing that to her. It sounds like it would good for me and our relationship if I can manage to find that again. I fear it may not be enough though.