All week I've been feeling rubbish about being so happy to see T last week after she got back from her trip and this led to complete despair over our eventual ending, even though one isn't planned.

T told me today that it was okay to feel so happy to see her and she was pleased that I was She said feelings are meant to be enjoyed for what they are. She also said that she doesn't see our work together as being finished and I can keep seeing her until I decide that I'm no longer getting what I need from going.

Realised I go from zero to a thousand on the emotional scale in seconds trying to 'deal' with life. No one has ever sat me down and said 'It's okay, calm down.' I even admitted my loneliness was part of why I see her and T said I'm way too hard on myself.

I feel so much more settled knowing that T said it's okay to see her until I don't need to. I guess I've always been scared that she will decide I'm fine and kick me out and my entire relationship with her is based on guilt and shame that I need to see her and a sense that I shouldn't be, somehow. I wish I could just relax with it all.