For a while I have wondered about the possibility that I might have a mood disorder. I tried to just shrug it off. I'm a Music Therapy student who loves psychology especially abnormal psych and I figured that I may just be psyching myself out. (No pun intended) I had all of the symptoms. My grandpa is bipolar and my mom has a lot of symptoms as well. When I am feeling up, I just try to ignore the fact that I get unusually productive, hyper, anxious, easily agitated, creative, outgoing, impulsive, and have horrible insomnia. These times are great for the most part. When I'm feeling low, it is another story completely. I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to talk. I don't want to do anything at all. I doubt any talents that others say I have and feel like I have no friends.

My man friend has been pushing me and pushing me to get this checked out. Over the summer I saw a therapist who suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I finally did it last Thursday. I went in and told him what is going on. He basically told me that I'm a textbook example of someone on the bipolar spectrum. I wasn't really surprised, but at the same time this was a big deal. Am I crazy? Is this going to have an effect on my future career as a Music Therapist when I want to work in behavioral health? My brain has been filled with questions and worries. I didn't know if I should tell anyone besides my parents and man friend, but then I thought of something. New like this wouldn't always seem so taboo if people were just more open about it. If we want the stigma to disappear for people dealing with this sort of thing, then we have to show the world that we're not what to media portrays us to be.

My psychiatrist gave me medicine and told me how to reschedule the medicines I'm already taking to work better for me. I will still have mood swings on the medicine, but they will be much less severe. I was sort of scared that these things would change me, but I still feel like myself. My man friend bought me a book called "Finding Your Bipolar Muse" by Lana R. Castle. It's amazing. It addresses the concern that bipolar medications might take away your creativity and teaches you to deal with being bipolar as well as finding your muse no matter what. I thought it was sort of funny that everyone mentioned in the book has something like "John Smith: musician, artist, writer, actor...etc." This book also discusses the research done about the connection between "crazy" and creativity. When I read this I'm just constantly thinking "I TOTALLY FEEL THAT WAY!!!" I myself sing and play a ton of instruments, compose, do hip-hop dance, draw, make artsy things, love to act, and occasionally write. I don't feel so weird anymore. This book actually makes me feel sort of awesome.

I hope people that read this will be more understanding of those that have this disorder and other mental health issues. I hope that the stigma will one day be gone and people will not be ashamed of who they are.

I'm Caitlin. I have ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes I get sad and need hugs, but I'm usually really funny and fun to be around. I love to create and drown myself in the arts. If you don't like me for who I am, then that's your problem. I love being me.