Hello, my name is Danielle, and I'm 30 years old (this will be important later). I was diagnosed with borderline BP back in 2007, although we are pretty sure it was onset as a teenager and just pushed aside as "hormones". Since the diagnosis, i've switched medicines, doctors, and therapists. I'm now in a place where i *was* on the right medicine cocktail, (i'll get to the *was* in a second) seeing the right doctor, and enjoying the right therapist.

So, why for the *was*? Well, I got married over a year ago, and my husband and I had wanted to start trying for a family this summer. Like I said, i'm 30 and i want more than 1 child, which means amniocentesis is most definitely in my future. So at the beginning of this year, we decided to slow my meds down in very small steps, since i'm planning on breastfeeding, and potentially not getting back on meds for a very long time. With therapy, i've been doing EXTREMELY well adjusting... until now. Earlier this year, my mother's lung cancer (diagnosed in 2010) was moved to stage 4, and it was decided she would go through extremely aggressive treatment. Well, it wasn't working, and right around the time they discovered that, she came down with pneumonia. two weeks in a hospital, and two weeks in a hospice later, my mother passed away at age 49. She was beyond my best friend. She was my "person" (like they say on TV) that i went to for EVERYTHING. Like we talked every single day, usually multiple times, or just chatting on IM.

At first, i was in "shock" and "denial" and dealing with everything really well. We put off the step down that was to come next in my meds, and then when we resumed, my dr said he wanted to go slower than we were before because of how long grief works in your system. So then, our timeframe became the holidays.

The last few weeks, i've felt extremely lonely. It's not like there are support groups for people who lost a loved one while they were decreasing their mental health meds in order to have a baby. Well, two weeks ago, my dosages were 50 mg of Lamictal and 25 mg of Zoloft - baby doses. My doctor took me off the zoloft completely, and low and behold, there was that depression from the grief, just waiting for me. Now I'm crying all the time, and freaking out. If I go back on the zoloft, that could push back the time frame of us getting pregnant, and right now it's ALL i want. (yes, i know some women get pregnant on medications, but the hubs and i discussed it thoroughly and we want me to be on no meds. My therapist will like it when i see her two times a week i'm sure LOL)

My husband is encouraging me to try more holistic methods before going back on the zoloft - changing my diet, exercising more - but all i want is comfort foods and to lay in bed. As we were chatting today on IM, the statement i made that led me here was:

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE F***ING NORMAL FOR ONCE IN MY G** DAMNED LIFE?!?!
why does everything have to be so f***ing difficult?

I realized that while there isn't a support group out there that caters to the EXACT stage of life i'm going through, there are still plenty of places to get support, outside of therapy. And since i can't go to my BFF (she just got pregnant with her third, due May 4th), or my Sister-In-Law (she just got pregnant with her second, due May 10th - no i'm not even joking), or my other female friends, who aren't even in serious relationships, let alone thinking about children, i started searching for a forum until i found this one.

My apologies for the long-windedness, I tend to word-vomit when I write. Anyways, I'm sure I'll be lurking around and responding to the forum, but I wanted to introduce myself so you know where I'm coming from.

Thanks!