hey everyone.

i thought id just come on and have a little chat. im feeling abit protective over myself. when im at home i dont ever feel i can properly relax, especially if my brother is home. after he abused me ive felt i cannot trust him. the abuse happened 9 years ago but i still dont trust him, i doubt i ever will. over the last few weeks, whilst ive been off work i will go into the garden and sunbathe, but when he comes home i get really uncomfortable, because im only wearing shorts, and i feel really exposed so i go inside and change into jeans and t-shirt.

yesterday i was home alone and i was in the garden sunbathing and meditating at the same time, and i didnt hear him come home and i was lead on my sun lounger with my eyes closed and headphones in, and he creeped up behind me and shouted "oi!" right next to my ear and made me jump, it firghtened the living daylights out of me, and he ruined my meditation too. i told him to p*** off then i stormed inside.

but i always feel that vulnerability here at home, and stupidly i feel like he watches me if i am sunbathing in just shorts. i feel so uncomfortable i have to go indoors which annoys me because i enjoy sunbathing. on an evening, when im home and hes home, i will go in my room and lock my bedroom door which makes me feel that little bit safer. it shouldnt have to be this way, i shouldnt feel vulnerable in my own home. its wierd because i dont fear him sexually abusing me again, i just feel uncomfortable around him, even more so when im only wearing shorts.