I have been going to a face to face support group for persons with mental health challenges for the past year.

I have to stop going.

Number one: They have a rule that you can't talk about your childhood and my emotional problems are from that. It's really awkward to talk about anxiety and social phobia when I can't mention abuse history!

Number two: The room has been getting very very crowded with some very unruly young men and that's very very triggery for me. I cannot sit next to men ANYWHERE, on the bus, in a room, or ANYWHERE, unless I really know them and trust them not to do any funny stuff.

The people in this group are not very understanding about my problem. In face, earlier in the year, while I was at a bereavement group (dealing with the death of my aunt) they almost kicked me out because I could not sit in a small intimate circle next to men. "If you can't handle it, you need to leave." the therapist said.

So I left.

I did not want to be kicked out of this other group, so I told the lady tonight, "I can't keep coming to a group that does not validate the origin of my social phobia or my PTSD/depression. I am happy to talk about "present issues" but if I can't share from any reference point AND if I have to sit by some unruly men I don't know, I cannot stay here."

She told me she wanted me to stay, but that she could not do anything about this. She said she could not control who sat by me. Also the rules are not hers. I understood that, but still had to leave.

I need to feel safe in groups now. I can't believe that ppl still don't understand what survivors go through! That SA can be so pervasive that it still affects ppl this way. To the point where I can't function around ppl sometimes.

Also, having been "programmed" into believing that I cannot have any other relationship than one where a man can do whatever the f he wants to me, I still can't tell a man to "move his foot" or "move his hand", so I have to just make sure they are not less than 3 to 5 ft away from me.

I feel so limited now.

This will isolate me more from my community.

I can't drive and I have no driving friends, so no other real groups to go to now, except online.

Ani (my mentor) told me to try women's AA meetings and Al anon, might be more validating and safe.

But I will miss this group that I've been going to for a year now.

I can't sit by men.

I can't have boundaries.

And no one will make me feel safe there.

And they make fun of me, call me a drama queen. They don't like that I don't use psych meds for my anxiety; I want to face my SA issues without drugs. They don't approve of me not seeing a pdoc, either. But meds make me sick; I am very sensitive to them, too. And so many pdocs have let me down and abused me as well.

So this leaves me feeling isolated again.

I really wish there were more survivor support groups in my city on the bus lines and free that met during the day!

B.