Quote:
Originally Posted by irishclover
I don't really know what other people's triggers are, I don't even know what my own are, or exactly what a trigger is, but I do know I don't want someone to read my thread and feel bad, so all posts from me which aren't in a positive light will be flagged as trigger.
I really don't like this BPD. All of the ups and downs every single day. I'm tired of crying for no reason. I called to tell my niece Happy Birthday and it made me begin to cry. I hate feeling emotionally out of control. I wish I had the money for therapy. I wish I had the courage to talk to people in person about my feelings instead of hiding behind a computer. I don't understand how it all happens, how one minute everything is ok and the next I want to cry.
I'm at least realizing some of the things I did before to escape from feeling. It's hard not to return to that. I wish there were a medication to at put an emotional block up so I can get through the day. I wish there were something to erase memories. I thought reminising was part of healing for everyone, now I'm beginning to think it's a way for me to relive the past and isn't part of healing.
I just want to be able to regain focus on what's important. I'm trying to turn to God for solace, it's not really helping right now though. I serisously need to get something for anxiety too because as soon as I start to cry, anxiety sets in, it's hard to breathe, my lungs get extremely tight, my stomach knots, my jaw clenches. I've noticed I have anxiety while driving too. UGH...I wish I knew the answers.  |
Hey Irish, you are speaking my language. I experience this a lot. For instance, today, I couldn't accept that I was feeling awful, I couldn't take my mind off of it, I couldn't focus on anything and I couldn't get out of my head and my horrible feeling for more than a few minutes...DBT trains us so we can use Radical Acceptance and like mara said, move forward. We tend to get 'stuck'...I personally get 'stuck' a LOT!
I also explained in another thread that we BPDs experience emotions VERY differently (at least in my experience)...I liken a 'healthy' person's view of emotions to a color wheel. Their emotions are many colors like any human being. Say if someone is standing in the 'red section' they can see the colors that come next, the colors that are adjacent, the previous colors and integrate them all together into a nice rainbow color wheel...they know their emotions are temporary. We, however, experience emotions as squares of color, separate from one another. There will be a blue square, a red square and what have you. If we're in say the red square, that is all that we can see, we are in a red room: red walls, ceiling and floor. No door, no window. We can't seem to integrate our emotions and know that they will pass and move to others.
DBT is supposed to help with this, it first trains us how to cope when we are extremely emotional, it gives us skills to practice when we're feeling all right and eventually gives us a new way of viewing and experiencing the world. This site is a great place to start:
www.dbtselfhelp.com
I have been working a few weeks on it and have noticed some small improvements, although I have a very long way to go.
I completely relate to your post -- I feel the exact same way...I wish I could not suffer from my emotions, but rather just experience them and move on as mara was saying. I also have used unhealthy ways of coping and means to escape the feelings (ie. drugging and drinking). Although I don't do those things anymore, it's certainly difficult to find alternatives. With enough work I think it's possible to find healthy ways. Our lives aren't going to be void of pain and horrible feelings, but they can be void of suffering constantly from them. Remember to be gentle and patient with yourself, it's not something that comes naturally, we have to learn a whole new way of thinking and behaving!