I finally met with the new T again (I was waiting on money and insurance, then I felt like I wanted a break). I had an informal meeting where we talked for quite awhile and one full session before today. I had been having trouble with missing my old T a lot, and I also know there are much deeper issues I need to work on. After about a month of trying to take a break from the weekly therapy stuff, I reached out to a previous T (saw from 2007-2008) to avoid bothering more recent T again (saw from 2010-2012). She had some good suggestions and encouraged me to work on my stuff in therapy (duh). I made an appt with a different T and then canceled before deciding to see the one I had one session with here.

As soon as I walked in, I had tears in my eyes due to grad school stress (I feel so stupid lately). When the T asked how I've been, I just broke down and cried. I was super anxious and couldn't breathe right and kept crying. The T was nice enough and tried to give me space, offered to help with some somatic experiencing thing (reason my last T recommended her) which I shook my head "no" to, and I finally got out that I didn't want to be there. She said it's fine if I go, it's fine if I stay, and that she understood that I felt the desire to do both. I managed to anxiously cry in there for another 10-15 min, super conflicted about staying. I know I need help, I know two of my previous therapists really think I should work on my issues in therapy, and I know I can't do it by myself, but I also have no idea how anyone could possibly help. Then I just got up and said I wanted to go and did. I've felt the urge before with my last T, but never actually did it. The problem wasn't the T at all, it was all me. I don't think I can do this anymore and I feel so hopeless.